u_toe's Xanga

Monday, January 01, 2007

Mon, 01 Jan 2007 06:36:55 GMT

2007.

this is just a short note saying that i will no longer be posting here. i've got to keep my promise and find myself a new "home" now that i am moving onto a different stage of my life, entirely. it's hard to imagine that this site has been a keeper of my thoughts for the last 4.5 years and man, how fancy has this thing got huh? congratulations xanga. i defend you when people talk smack about you. i'll still be checking back often, to read old entries and what not.

for those of you that know me, feel free to ask me where i have gone.

thank you for reading.

signing off to the "real" (but overrated) world and happy 2007.

lisa

Saturday, December 30, 2006

Sat, 30 Dec 2006 08:11:04 GMT

actors spend their whole lives acting one role, the role of themselves.

there are times when i think about how good would i be at something if i decided to pick it up now, for example, do i have what it takes to be a stand-up comedian, a really good cook, or a racer?! the next question that follows is always, well, if i were to do these things, where would i start?

how do you start being a stand-up comedian? do you find a topic that really interests you, and just go off on it and see where it takes you? so for example, i could start by talking about how kids really amaze me, because of how invincible they are, or because of how they think they're invincible > me, jumping into a cesspool > my brother shooting me with a blow gun and all sorts of other madness > my mother?

random, but relating everything back to your mother is always a good way to go, i've learned.

i guess to be a really good cook, i'll have to start cooking, every day. on top of that, i'll have to be able to tell whether or not something is too salty, rotten, or whatever. i have to ask other people whether the milk in my fridge has gone sour or not, so i guess that rules out the whole cooking possibility.

as with the whole racing thing, i don't even think we need to talk about this. in order for me to race cars, i would have to... learn how to drive a stick. ok. that's fine, i can do that. then, i need to have an understanding of cars. ok, that's a bit harder. wait, better yet, i need to have an appreciation of cars in order for me to understand them. would it help if i started reading car magazines?

what are other possible career choices? a hair-stylist! wait, the guy that cuts my hair has been doing it since he was like 12 (he's now over 30). a web designer? ok i'm not even going to go into this one.

these past few years, i've been doing things and learning things for the first time, for example, directing a film, learning about final cut, and fixing up my website at cafe since almost a year and a half ago. i know that everything has to start somewhere, but damn, i feel so old to start doing "new" things, even things that i am really interested in if that makes any sense. i wonder if anyone else feels this way.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Thu, 28 Dec 2006 00:34:49 GMT

merry belated christmas, yo.

warning, vulgar descriptions of my life below (not appropriate for kids that you wish to protect).

i had a dream last night that i exchanged my vagina for a penis, a really small penis. in the dream, i remember everyone talking about their private parts and circumcision (i think). i don't remember why but i think we were playing a game. oh, if you have to know, i was with theatre rice folks (yes jade and linda, that means you guys). when everyone was laughing and joking, i started to regret why i went through with the "surgery" - then i proceeded to try and get an erection, secretly of course, and i couldn't.

what the fuck?!

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Sun, 24 Dec 2006 07:37:24 GMT

i get so weak in the knees.

damn it's christmas eve already. 2007 is just around the corner. that is just crazy. i remember waiting for 2006 to come around so badly, and now it's going to be over and done. i have yet to write about my c.t. experience(s) and some profound thoughts on the last couple of years. unfortunately, like always, i am at a loss for words.

this past semester has definitely been one of the most challenging, but one of the most beautiful periods of my life. even though i was taking less classes than ever, the amount of stress was up my throat. i felt myself slipping under during a few, if not most, late nights, practically drowning in tears that my mom would describe as "worthless" if she saw me (because i cry so damn much that my tears don't mean anything anymore). i don't know if beautiful is really a great word to use, but for now it is more than appropriate. the best things happened to me, and the best people happened to me. really.

i have always had this love & hate relationship with theatre rice. i would go through phases of feeling awed by its potential, inspired, and thinking of a million ways to get people to "understand" the possibilities, and wanting, always wanting much more from it. however, this semester i have really just come to accept theatre rice for what it is, and really opening up my eyes to the magic it does to people. it wasn't intentional, this discovery. it just happened to me. i disliked theatre rice at times because i wanted it to be something that it wasn't. i disliked it because change didn't come soon enough. most of all, i disliked it because i felt it to be this stagnant thing that didn't have room to be different. i thought it would be in an awkward limbo forever. however, i look at myself - at the changes that have washed over me throughout the past few years - and here i am, as an example that i myself have failed to realize. am i something stagnant? no. i am anything but, so rice too is anything but. change takes time.

for a lack of a better thought, theatre rice has truly made me who i am today. i had so many strong female role models to look up to to mold and further define myself. i also had many strong male peers that helped me to formulate my own critical thinking and voice. theatre rice made me feel what it is that makes me tick, what makes my heart go at a rate of whatever, and what gives me the chills.

it is so hard to explain to friends outside of it what theatre rice is about. to many people, i am sure we're just "a bunch of crazy stage whores that take themselves way too seriously." to that, i say, maybe. maybe that description does fit superficially, but more than that shallow statement, it is an experience of a life time. it is what defines my college career, and amongst many things, it is what defines me. just its mission statement can blow half of the student organizations on campus out of the water!

i remember the first time i was course-coordinating, i told the new cast to really use theatre rice to their advantage. i said, "use theatre rice to get what you need out of it. let it affect you, because only then and afterwards, will you feel the need to give back to it." i don't exactly know why i said that. i only know that it's true.

theatre rice really is a dirty mistress. it is christmas eve, and here i am typing about what else, theatre rice. sometimes, i really do feel like i am having an affair with it outside of my normal life. whoever came up with that analogy is a damn genius.

regardless, even though i haven't pumped out all of my thoughts yet, i am tired. i do wish to say though that aside from theatre rice, something really special happened to me this year that showed me what love can be. i am damn lucky.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 18:59:32 GMT

why are there so many animals in my house?!

that's excluding my siblings.

and my dad.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 08:44:18 GMT

graduation = unemployment.

what an equation.

thanks dad.

it just dawned on me: i don't have to writer a paper ever again!

well, at least not for a while.

MUHAHAHA.

i own you all! well, except for the people that have graduated already. i hate you guys.

i am just kidding. that was a horrible thing to say.

i want to measure my life in love.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Sat, 16 Dec 2006 09:39:37 GMT

"i hear people wanting something... ME!"

- ramon, happy feet

i've been trying out this new thing, writing my essays in a post format (meaning, in this blog but set as private). it has helped tremendously in reducing the writer's block. i've always heard that writing is an exercise. you have to be disciplined and you have to train yourself to write what you want to write when you want to write. i guess over the last four years, i've developed that rapport with the xanga's post weblog entry window.

i can't believe that the time is really counting down for me to say my goodbyes. i've completely pushed that thought out of my mind this last month. i lied, i've erased that thought this whole semester actually. is it because i don't think the time has come for me to bid my farewell, or is it because my childhood has taught me that nothing lasts forever and everyone has to their time to go, otherwise they'll never change and grow? one thing that does feel different this time though is that 1) i am not in a hurry to get away from anything (it seems that before i always rejoiced in having my slate cleansed, and 2) i am not childishly set on how i need to go away to find myself.i am right here silly. how do you go away to find yourself if you're right... here?

perhaps, i am finally growing up.

eh. that's not true. i am being overly dramatic again.

here's a secret: sometimes i write things because it looks good and sound sort of profound, but i really feel otherwise.

there, i said it.

i am a horribly dishonest writer.

putting that aside, i have about 12 hours before my last undergraduate paper is due and that is including sleep time. hmmm. how do you stay motivated at a time like this?

oh! i got myself a wordpress account! 've always said that once i graduate, i am going to be done with xanga forever. i don't know how possible that is though. contrary to what people think about xanga, i personally like it very much. no other place has taken me in like this - all of my rubbish, shame, and guilt.

anyway, hopefully after tomorrow, i can start packing and devote some serious thoughts into what i want to do in the future. i think i am too comfortable right now. i am slowly forgetting about all the things that i really love. actually, i am at this weird passage where i am questioning what it is that i really love. graduates, is this normal? help a sister out.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 11:52:23 GMT

i like cold weather.

despite the numbness in my toes and the lack of oxygen going to my brain, cold weather makes things (people) warmer, or feel warmer.

this will be the first time in a long time that i actually spent money on christmas gifts. since i have a large family, it's hard for me to get things for friends and what not, so during christmas in the past, i've always just relied on writing a lot of christmas cards and a no-christmas-gifts-for-anyone policy. hey, we're college students right? poor college students, that is. i don't know what it is about this christmas, but i really feel the need to pay my dues. for all the great things that happened to me this semester, it just feels wrong to go home empty-handed. working three jobs is not easy, but i can't think of a better way that i would rather spend my money.

my dad keeps on telling me to save up since i am graduating (= unemployed), and that i'll probably need the money for the "delay" time between now and me getting a job. he's right, but it's christmas. how hard will it be to find a job? i am totally joking. he's right, he's always right but i would like to play it not so safe once in a while.

some people have a way of writing posts that just make you feel so ashamed that you can't write anything that's half as honest, sincere, and soul-baring. i mean i used to, but that was more than two years ago, and i don't know what happened. i'd like to write posts that would make people cry, but i think i've lost that ability, just like how i've lost the ability to write poems, or anything remotely meaningful. what a downer.

shit, i have to move out soon too. i'll think about that after saturday.

i am wishing for some snowflakes.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 10:06:44 GMT

i love graveyard shifts.

not.

what is wrong with me?

i'm crazy.

one down, and two more to go.

sometimes, i really think that i am a cold-blooded bastard.

i sooo wish i were in bed right now.

i'm so bored, and so tired.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 21:52:05 GMT

i don't believe this.

read this review on MY SASSY GIRL.

this person OBVIOUSLY does not know or understand anything about love, or culture for that matter.

i hate him.

ok that's mean, but still, i bet you that i can convince him to like the movie.

on a different note, i REALLY need to start keeping a dream journal. i've been having nightmares regularly since this semester started. i don't know what it is. last night i dreamt that some huge man broke into the house that i'm at, and was punking me around. he broke in three times. he would go away, break in, go away, break in, and man it was scary. i poked at his eye balls in the dream too, when he started to break the door, and i can still remember the yucky slimy feeling on my fingers (not that i know what eye balls feel like). there's also a part i to the nightmare, but i won't share it here. it was equally as scary and it reminded me of dreams that i was having two years ago. that's not a good sign but something tells me that i am just paranoid.

so i guess i have two options:

1. go see a dream specialist (or whatever they're called), or
2. check out a freud book.

i lied, i do have a third option:

3. simple - buy a bigger bed.

i found out yesterday that i am anemic. i have to go to the lab and get more tests done. i wonder if my parents have always known and just never told me.

on the news end, i finished my last undergraduate class, ever.