i get so weak in the knees.

damn it's christmas eve already. 2007 is just around the corner. that is just crazy. i remember waiting for 2006 to come around so badly, and now it's going to be over and done. i have yet to write about my c.t. experience(s) and some profound thoughts on the last couple of years. unfortunately, like always, i am at a loss for words.

this past semester has definitely been one of the most challenging, but one of the most beautiful periods of my life. even though i was taking less classes than ever, the amount of stress was up my throat. i felt myself slipping under during a few, if not most, late nights, practically drowning in tears that my mom would describe as "worthless" if she saw me (because i cry so damn much that my tears don't mean anything anymore). i don't know if beautiful is really a great word to use, but for now it is more than appropriate. the best things happened to me, and the best people happened to me. really.

i have always had this love & hate relationship with theatre rice. i would go through phases of feeling awed by its potential, inspired, and thinking of a million ways to get people to "understand" the possibilities, and wanting, always wanting much more from it. however, this semester i have really just come to accept theatre rice for what it is, and really opening up my eyes to the magic it does to people. it wasn't intentional, this discovery. it just happened to me. i disliked theatre rice at times because i wanted it to be something that it wasn't. i disliked it because change didn't come soon enough. most of all, i disliked it because i felt it to be this stagnant thing that didn't have room to be different. i thought it would be in an awkward limbo forever. however, i look at myself - at the changes that have washed over me throughout the past few years - and here i am, as an example that i myself have failed to realize. am i something stagnant? no. i am anything but, so rice too is anything but. change takes time.

for a lack of a better thought, theatre rice has truly made me who i am today. i had so many strong female role models to look up to to mold and further define myself. i also had many strong male peers that helped me to formulate my own critical thinking and voice. theatre rice made me feel what it is that makes me tick, what makes my heart go at a rate of whatever, and what gives me the chills.

it is so hard to explain to friends outside of it what theatre rice is about. to many people, i am sure we're just "a bunch of crazy stage whores that take themselves way too seriously." to that, i say, maybe. maybe that description does fit superficially, but more than that shallow statement, it is an experience of a life time. it is what defines my college career, and amongst many things, it is what defines me. just its mission statement can blow half of the student organizations on campus out of the water!

i remember the first time i was course-coordinating, i told the new cast to really use theatre rice to their advantage. i said, "use theatre rice to get what you need out of it. let it affect you, because only then and afterwards, will you feel the need to give back to it." i don't exactly know why i said that. i only know that it's true.   

theatre rice really is a dirty mistress. it is christmas eve, and here i am typing about what else, theatre rice. sometimes, i really do feel like i am having an affair with it outside of my normal life. whoever came up with that analogy is a damn genius.

regardless, even though i haven't pumped out all of my thoughts yet, i am tired. i do wish to say though that aside from theatre rice, something really special happened to me this year that showed me what love can be. i am damn lucky.