2007.

this is just a short note saying that i will no longer be posting here.  i've got to keep my promise and find myself a new "home" now that i am moving onto a different stage of my life, entirely. it's hard to imagine that this site has been a keeper of my thoughts for the last 4.5 years and man, how fancy has this thing got huh? congratulations xanga. i defend you when people talk smack about you. i'll still be checking back often, to read old entries and what not.

for those of you that know me, feel free to ask me where i have gone.

thank you for reading.

signing off to the "real" (but overrated) world and happy 2007.

lisa 

actors spend their whole lives acting one role, the role of themselves.

there are times when i think about how good would i be at something if i decided to pick it up now, for example, do i have what it takes to be a stand-up comedian, a really good cook, or a racer?! the next question that follows is always, well, if i were to do these things, where would i start?

how do you start being a stand-up comedian? do you find a topic that really interests you, and just go off on it and see where it takes you? so for example, i could start by talking about how kids really amaze me, because of how invincible they are, or because of how they think they're invincible > me, jumping into a cesspool > my brother shooting me with a blow gun and all sorts of other madness > my mother?

random, but relating everything back to your mother is always a good way to go, i've learned.

i guess to be a really good cook, i'll have to start cooking, every day. on top of that, i'll have to be able to tell whether or not something is too salty, rotten, or whatever. i have to ask other people whether the milk in my fridge has gone sour or not, so i guess that rules out the whole cooking possibility.

as with the whole racing thing, i don't even think we need to talk about this. in order for me to race cars, i would have to... learn how to drive a stick. ok. that's fine, i can do that. then, i need to have an understanding of cars. ok, that's a bit harder. wait, better yet, i need to have an appreciation of cars in order for me to understand them. would it help if i started reading car magazines?

what are other possible career choices? a hair-stylist! wait, the guy that cuts my hair has been doing it since he was like 12 (he's now over 30). a web designer? ok i'm not even going to go into this one.

these past few years, i've been doing things and learning things for the first time, for example, directing a film, learning about final cut, and fixing up my website at cafe since almost a year and a half ago. i know that everything has to start somewhere, but damn, i feel so old to start doing "new" things, even things that i am really interested in if that makes any sense. i wonder if anyone else feels this way.

merry belated christmas, yo.

warning, vulgar descriptions of my life below (not appropriate for kids that you wish to protect).

i had a dream last night that i exchanged my vagina for a penis, a really small penis. in the dream, i remember everyone talking about their private parts and circumcision (i think). i don't remember why but i think we were playing a game. oh, if you have to know, i was with theatre rice folks (yes jade and linda, that means you guys). when everyone was laughing and joking, i started to regret why i went through with the "surgery" - then i proceeded to try and get an erection, secretly of course, and i couldn't.

what the fuck?!

i get so weak in the knees.

damn it's christmas eve already. 2007 is just around the corner. that is just crazy. i remember waiting for 2006 to come around so badly, and now it's going to be over and done. i have yet to write about my c.t. experience(s) and some profound thoughts on the last couple of years. unfortunately, like always, i am at a loss for words.

this past semester has definitely been one of the most challenging, but one of the most beautiful periods of my life. even though i was taking less classes than ever, the amount of stress was up my throat. i felt myself slipping under during a few, if not most, late nights, practically drowning in tears that my mom would describe as "worthless" if she saw me (because i cry so damn much that my tears don't mean anything anymore). i don't know if beautiful is really a great word to use, but for now it is more than appropriate. the best things happened to me, and the best people happened to me. really.

i have always had this love & hate relationship with theatre rice. i would go through phases of feeling awed by its potential, inspired, and thinking of a million ways to get people to "understand" the possibilities, and wanting, always wanting much more from it. however, this semester i have really just come to accept theatre rice for what it is, and really opening up my eyes to the magic it does to people. it wasn't intentional, this discovery. it just happened to me. i disliked theatre rice at times because i wanted it to be something that it wasn't. i disliked it because change didn't come soon enough. most of all, i disliked it because i felt it to be this stagnant thing that didn't have room to be different. i thought it would be in an awkward limbo forever. however, i look at myself - at the changes that have washed over me throughout the past few years - and here i am, as an example that i myself have failed to realize. am i something stagnant? no. i am anything but, so rice too is anything but. change takes time.

for a lack of a better thought, theatre rice has truly made me who i am today. i had so many strong female role models to look up to to mold and further define myself. i also had many strong male peers that helped me to formulate my own critical thinking and voice. theatre rice made me feel what it is that makes me tick, what makes my heart go at a rate of whatever, and what gives me the chills.

it is so hard to explain to friends outside of it what theatre rice is about. to many people, i am sure we're just "a bunch of crazy stage whores that take themselves way too seriously." to that, i say, maybe. maybe that description does fit superficially, but more than that shallow statement, it is an experience of a life time. it is what defines my college career, and amongst many things, it is what defines me. just its mission statement can blow half of the student organizations on campus out of the water!

i remember the first time i was course-coordinating, i told the new cast to really use theatre rice to their advantage. i said, "use theatre rice to get what you need out of it. let it affect you, because only then and afterwards, will you feel the need to give back to it." i don't exactly know why i said that. i only know that it's true.   

theatre rice really is a dirty mistress. it is christmas eve, and here i am typing about what else, theatre rice. sometimes, i really do feel like i am having an affair with it outside of my normal life. whoever came up with that analogy is a damn genius.

regardless, even though i haven't pumped out all of my thoughts yet, i am tired. i do wish to say though that aside from theatre rice, something really special happened to me this year that showed me what love can be. i am damn lucky.

why are there so many animals in my house?!

that's excluding my siblings.

and my dad.